The title of my blog post is also the title of one of my favourite poems by William Shakespeare. My idea of love was largely shaped by the golden age of rom coms in the 90's. I was so in love with love, that the first time I experienced it, I got married. Yes, of course I was fuelled by my hormones. I was 21! The opportunity to live out my rom com fantasy, coupled with the idea that I could get naked with someone every single day without having to use cheesy pickup lines first was amazing to me. I loved marriage, and always wanted to be married. Until I got divorced.
Fast forward twenty years later, and despite believing I would never do it again. Here I am. Married again, to an incredible and beautiful woman, whom I love with all my heart. Speaking of love, I love James Sexton (platonically of course), he's just the perfect combination of funny, wise, unhinged and deeply human. This podcast, where he was on DOAC with Steven Bartlett is a gem of a podcast. I laughed out loud numerous times and even shed a tear or two. It's no surprise to me that this podcast has over 9 million views, it is one of the most profound dissections of love I've ever come across... Oh the irony that the proverbial scalpel was in the hands of America's top divorce lawyer!
I agree with 90 percent of what James said. I disagree with his view that our kids can't be our greatest accomplishment in life, and no I don't have any kids. I just believe as parents, we want more for our kids than what we have, we should want better for our kids. So, if the only thing we achieved in life is raising kids to be better than us. Then that in itself is an incredible achievement, and something to be proud of. Secondly, because by his own admission he's not religious. Although he does believe in God. He reduces marriage to a simple legal status, and I can't blame him for that because he is after all a divorce lawyer. So, he deals with the legal aspect of love everyday. But marriage, when viewed right and entered into for the purposes that God created marriage for, is a far more binding thing than simply a legal status by wordly standards.
That being said, he gives excellent advice, and is surprisingly enthusiastic about love and marriage, given his line of work. I'd like to hone in on one particular thing he said: "happy wife, happy life .. who ever said that should be beaten to death." That was not only hilarious, but gave me lots of food for thought. It really is the most awful advice anyone can give to a couple, because it sets a precedent that one spouse is going to unconditionally do everything to make the other one happy, despite the cost to themselves. How is this a healthy arrangement? Nor is it biblical... Abraham subscribed to this advice, impregnated Haggai because that's what his wife asked him to do, and ended up with a very unhappy wife! So, to put it very bluntly, "Happy wife-Happy life" is bullshit. If you're in need of some kind of mantra or mental tagline to remind yourself of your responsibility as someone's spouse, then I prefer: "Happy Spouse - Happy House."
Now that I'm officially in my 40's, I have a very different view of love than I did 20 years ago.Contrary to what I believed before, love is definitely a choice. We can come across 100 people a day that we find attractive, for argument sake, let's say out of those 100 people, "the stars aligned" and we managed to strike up conversations with 3 of those 100 people in that week. All 3 cases, we realized 90% of our interests and values are compatible, and we want to get to know them better. What now? By our own standards we've met our "soulmate" 3 times. Who do we choose? The "hottest" of the 3? Again for argument sake, let's say we leave it completely up to fate and flip a coin, draw straws or consult a "spiritual guru" who's going to burn some dodgy herbs in the hopes that we get the "name of your soulmate" coming through the smoke that's making you light-headed and fast tracking your lung disease.
You pursue that person, get married. Now the real work starts, and suddenly you realize this perfect person that fate brought onto your path, who was 95% "just like you", actually doesn't put the cap back on the toothpaste when they're done. Has smelly feet, and thinks showering three times a week is the best way to save water. Now what? Your worlds collided "perfectly" in a cosmic sense, and suddenly you're married to the "smelliest soulmate on earth ". What's my point? It's two fold:
1) There are no perfect people in the world. Even your "proverbial soulmate" is going to have some annoying traits. You just don't know it because you've subscribed to this belief that love needs to be absolutely perfect, otherwise it's not real.
2) Beauty by worldly standards, is literally only skin deep. We cannot base love solely on what we deem attractive to the naked eye. As the old saying goes: "not everything that glitters is gold". Beauty for me goes beyond what I look at. Attraction, like beauty is fleeting, and when we price beauty according to what fades then we're left with something very ugly when it does.
For me true beauty goes beyond the superficial. Who you are matters so much more than what you look like. We can have beautiful smiles, but if we don't make other people smile with our presence then it's a waste. So, my friends, no matter how we slice love, it always comes down to the choice of "who are we going to share that meal with". Let's make sure it's with someone who is of similar mind and same heart, because everything else fades, ages and dies, and the physical shouldn't be the currency that drives the value of our relationship.
Take care of yourselves and eachother.
Shalom.
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