Suicide is a topic that has always been close to my heart, not because I've suffered the immensely painful loss of it, but because for a time in my life, I was once mentally in it's clutches, and also because I have come across people who have lost loved ones to it. One phrase that always comes to mind about suicide is: "It doesn't end the victim's pain, it just transfers it to their nearest and dearest." Suicide makes me angry, because I understand what it does. In a metaphorical sense, it hurls you into an ocean in the middle of the darkest night, breaks one of your arms and one of your legs, then watches you try to escape until you exhaust yourself and ultimately drown in the deep, dark waters.
Fr. Chase Hilgenbrink was a professional soccer player, who left the world of soccer behind and exchanged his togs for vestments and became a catholic priest. He shared this beautiful sermon, using soccer as his reference point, to illustrate the many jerseys we wear in life that shape who we are and define who we become, and id like each and every one of us to introspect and get very candid with ourselves about what jersey's we are wearing, and which ones we can exchange for others in order to arrive at a more authentic version of who God has created us to be. I'm going to use myself as an example, and I hope this inspires you to do the same for yourselves.
I remember being a chronically depressed teen. Like most teens are, because let's face it, while all the chemicals that flood our brain during puberty sort themselves out into a unique periodic table of who we're supposed to be, we get overwhelmed and depressed. It should pass, once we reach adulthood as we grow and learn to value who we are... But sometimes... It doesn't pass. I wasn't athletic, so I didn't fit in with the jocks, I wasn't a brainiac, so I didn't fit in with the nerds, I wasn't big on cars, so I didn't fit in with the petrol heads. I had flat feet, which gave me a funny walk to begin with, and the corrective surgery I had gave me slight arches that made my walk "funny with a curve". 😊
So, by default, I couldn't really fit in anywhere... I wasn't the strongest or biggest guy in class. So yeah... I didn't have the ingredients to become a recipe for success, in a social sense, and even less so in my own mind. I was teased and because I had no self-worth, it affected me much more than it should have. Every girl (and there weren't many) 🤣 I asked out either said no, or the dreaded three words: "let's be friends". Which was just a nicer way of saying no and we actually didn't end up friends. 🤣 Then I discovered Nirvana and Kurt Cobain, who used his guitar and raspy voice to shout out how I was feeling and just didn't know how to put into words... For a span of six albums.
Nirvana became a doorway into a world where I finally found some form of acceptance. I had a few friends thereafter who were misfits like me in their own way. Together, we explored the wonderful world of rock and heavy metal music, and this music ladies and gentlemen still helps me feel better until now, if I'm having a really shitty day. I transitioned to adulthood, stumbling along to the beautiful sounds of Nirvana, Korn, Pantera, Nine Inch Nails etc as the soundtrack to my days. Fell in love, got married, you all know how that story ended. Went back into a really dark phase that involved some attempts at drowning my sorrows with beer and his more spirited relatives.
Moved to a new city, thinking I had left my problems behind, but you don't get rid of ghosts until you face the things they haunt you with. Broke my hip which upgraded my funny walk to a deluxe version. Lost my dad. We went bankrupt as a family. Then suddenly the music just wasn't working, and here's the part where I can honestly share that I was in the middle of my dark ocean with one broken arm and leg... I saw nothing but darkness, and was too tired of swimming, the "misery loves company" mantra that my music brought me suddenly wasn't loud enough to drown out the misery, and it was right there that I questioned it all. From is it all worth it, to is God even real? I've also shared many times how I found God. So I won't repeat it now. But He was there the entire time, if I had just turned to Him instead of everything else... I probably would have saved myself a whole lot of pain.
But once I gave Him my pain, He used it to help me grow into a person I could look at in the mirror and smile to. Funny walk and all. So, to use Fr. Chase's sermon as the reference point. When I take stock, I've worn quite a few jerseys in my life so far. I've replaced some of them, but each one I've taken off, has left a small thread behind, that has helped me weave patches onto my current jersey. Some of those patches remind me what I should never go back to, while others remind me of how deep within me, I still have some of the traits of that chronically depressed teen I was 25 years ago, or even that clinically depressed adult I was 14 years ago. You know that old cliché "the more things change, the more they stay the same", to a certain degree it's true. Hence why it's called a cliché!
But even though it's true, the things that do change can always outweigh the things that don't, if we have the right mindset and attitude to life each and every day. For example, I've always had a funny walk my whole life, and it just got funnier the older I got. It's one of the many things that made me different from other people. At first it was a great source of pain, but now I embrace it as a fundamental part of my identity. The walk didn't change or go away. But I did. Make no mistake, I still have fears, anxieties, and I'm the most paranoid guy I know. Ask my wife, the other day, somebody showed me a really random act of kindness and I got severely suspicious. To a point where I didn't want to accept it. 🤣 My friends, some things within me haven't changed and probably never will. But I'm ok with that, because the things that have, are great enough to show me what truly defines me as a person. I found The Lord and realized how He stayed where He had always been, waiting for me. I was the one who strayed from Him, and I say this with all the conviction in the world... Nobody on earth will love you like your maker. Nobody, and once we learn that and accept that. It changes us fundamentally. Once we experience the infinite peace that comes from knowing intimately how loved we are by Jesus Christ. Everything else that threatens to remove that jersey from us, takes a back seat. Nothing is more important to me than the inner peace I get from who I am in Christ, and that's why even the things I know will never change don't bother me as much as they used to... And that my dear friends, is freedom.
So, coming from someone who has been in it's grip before. I ask you to please join me in praying for victims of depression and who are plagued by suicidal thoughts. To those of you who think about it... Please look up to the sky, and recognize that one glimmer of light bursting through and just know that, that light is Jesus Christ telling you this:
Isaiah 43:1-2
But now, this is what the LORD says— he who created you, Jacob, he who formed you, Israel: “Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.
As well as the same words his father echoed to Jeremiah:
Jeremiah 1:5
Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart;
You may feel like you have no purpose, and perhaps the entire world makes you feel like you have no purpose. But we're not made for this world, we're made for heaven. So look up to heaven and listen to The Lord's voice telling you who you are, and stop listening to the world with it's fluctuating patterns and voices, putting jerseys on you that just don't fit. Turn to God, get baptized in the Name above all Names of Jesus Christ and He will give you the jersey that was made for you that will perfectly accommodate the threads you just can't get rid of, as you remove the old to embrace the new.
You are loved by the one who matters more than everyone else, and I promise you, that will be enough, if you give Him a chance. 🙏✝️
Be safe in Christ, take care of yourselves and eachother. 🩵
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